I completed my 7th treatment today. Since I have blogged last, there have been a few changes. First, the “first-line attempt has not worked like expected. The “dosage” has been increased with no sign of helping, and the treatment has moved from unilteral to bilateral. This has taken a larger toll on me. Bilateral treatment has a much stronger impact on me. Hopefully it will also have an equally larger benefit over unilateral treatment.
There are some interesting people being treated at the same time I am. There are a couple of younger people; both men and women. Some appear outwardly “normal”, while a lady that I saw for the first time today seems more disturbed. I say that not to be mean , but only to explain how I see and can relate to different people. The lady I met today that seems “disturbed” seems turned inward. She doesn’t exhibit signs of psychosis, but rather more like she has had a very rough time of life and prefers to keep herself separated from the rest of the world. I can make up all the stories I want, but will never really know what is going on until/if I actually go and ask. I wonder if they would open up to me.
I started out with one type of anesthesia, but as I said in my earlier blog, I woke too early, and couldn’t breathe on my own right away, and that was scary. This past Monday, we tried a new kind of anesthesia. The antidote needed to reverse the effects gave me a terrible hangover and dry mouth, so we have switched back to the original mixture, but using a much lower dose. The anesthesiologist says that I have a deficiency that is somewhat rare that hinders me being able to metabolize the medicine, so it takes a bit longer for me to come out of it, even at lower doses.
Hopefully I will start seeing results soon. A new patient told me that she is coming back for her second round of ECT; the first being in 2012. She said it worked miracles after 9 treatments, but is wearing off so she is back to go through another round. I hope that I am that hopeful soon.
What I Want
With all the therapy, medication, ECT, and studying I have done on depression, along with the experiences of having ups and downs, I think I have a good idea of what it is I want to come out of this. When you suffer from depression, you are your own worst enemy. No matter what thought pops in your head, a bad result is the first thought to follow behind. So, even if I have a great idea of what venture to undertake in my life, I self-sabotage to the point that I probably have little chance of success. I know this treatment, or the lack of debilitating depression is not going to solve all my life’s problems, but I at least want to give myself a chance. My life goals have changed over the years. I’m sure most people’s do. Mine have gone from chasing a title and salary to fulfillment. Making a good income is important, and would be great if I can translate a fulfilling career into one that does, but it is not mandatory. I still have my photography that has brought me a lot of joy in the past. Hopefully, I will be able to recapture some of that going forward. I’m not afraid to do other things either. It really doesn’t matter to me what means of income I take on, as long as I can look myself in the mirror each day and know that I am doing what I can to make/keep myself as healthy as possible.
- My Journey Through ECT- Treatment 3 July 10
- My Journey Through ECT- Treatment 11